Mys. Quail

I don’t think I’m gonna use this to blog anymore it’s kinda boring now. 

GOD DAMN SHE MAD. 

I just simply don’t care anymore. I will speak to you for band, because it’s required of us to cooperate for success, but otherwise I don’t want anything to do with you.  I’m done. Alright? Alright. 

I previously thought it was untrue how its said that you start to see who your friends really are near the end of high school. I stand corrected. Thank you, all of you who have stuck by me through thick and thin for all of these years, as I will continue to do the same to you. To those who haven’t, see below:

I just want to move somewhere and forget everybody except a few people and get on with my life. People just keep making things unnecessarily complicated and they need to stop. 

Fuck you because you actually care but you won’t let yourself do so.

Fuck me because I keep trying to mend things against your wishes. 

Fuck everything because people’s anger ruins anything ever.  

I’ve had my undies inside-out the entire day. I’m so dumb oh my gosh.

I am gaylord, lord of the gays. 

I’m just really afraid that I won’t forget those numerous bad moments in my life. They bother me all too much. 

Going backpacking this weekend. Hopefully my comrades and I don’t die, as dying tends to suck. So, the bears and moose should kindly stay away, plzkthx.

Ugh. Why am I having these feelings? I don’t want them. They should go away. Everything is over. Even though, looking back, it seems that she wasn’t meant for me as I thought she was, but I still want her. I could certainly go after someone better. Not better, as in the quality of the person, but rather someone better for me. Still, I can’t help but feel that she’s the best it’s ever going to get, yet our relationship was so unhealthy. I wanted to end it so many times over the years. But I couldn’t, because I couldn’t pull away from her. I just wanted her too much to be able to. That’s probably what’s making me have these feelings now. These feelings of jealousy, even though I have no right to feel them. It also hurts knowing that she’s doing better off than when I was with her. Was it me? Or was I just doomed with the state of her life at the time? I may never know. But it does nothing to dwell on this matter like I am. This is so bothersome. I wish I had somebody to quest after. Perhaps that’s all I need. Perhaps not. Do these kind of feelings ever go away? It’d be troublesome if they didn’t. Whatever. I’ll power through this somehow. I always do. When, though, is the question. 

complaincomplaincomplainwhinewhinebitchmoankillmeIhatethiscomplaincomplaincomplainmakeitstopughbothersomethatseemstobemyfavoritewordnowadays

P.S. I know that she’ll see this. Well, she will if she even bothers to check my blog anymore. Still, this place is my only outlet for such text, and I guess I don’t have to be secretive about these kind of feelings anymore, do I? So, fuck it. 

P.S.S. Although I didn’t think I’d be the type of person to, I kind of enjoy Eminem. It felt good to listen to him while writing this all. 

I wish there was a way for me to move somewhere and forget about everybody in my past who have caused me to be in such a recent state of hollowness. The life I used to live but a year ago is no more, and being constantly reminded of it is painful. Every time I try to escape, I keep getting pulled back. I can’t refrain from checking the blogs of those people, people who used to me mean much more to me and I to them, even though their words and faces should drive me away after what has happened. Things are becoming increasingly more bothersome lately, and if it isn’t redundant to say so, it would be nice if it would all go away.

Although I have learned from them, sometimes I believe that I would be better off if those experiences never happened in the first place.

I feel as if everybody around me is growing up but me. Even those younger than myself. I suppose it’s because of the actions they’ve taken, the things they’ve experienced. Hell, they’re even more knowledgeable in educational terms. Though, I do consider myself more mentally mature than most everybody whom I’m friends with, so there’s that, which is good I guess. Saying it makes me sound like an ass, but it’s something I pride myself in, and I won’t let others’ opinions dent my pride. Still… I feel left out, and that’s never a fun feeling to feel. Perhaps one day I’ll hatch from my eggshell comprised of the fear of rejection. I can only hope that said day is soon. 

It sucks knowing that I’d be more attractive if I cut my hair. I’m just so afraid of hating myself, though. Ugh. It would be hard after three years of long, long hair. 

Low self-esteem pisses me off. It’s unattractive and it makes conversations awkward.  Though, what pisses me off the most are those who continually complain about it while doing nothing to get rid of it. I used to have low self-esteem, but then I stopped being a worthless piece of shit when I realized that complaining gets you nowhere and that I’m actually a pretty cool person. I’m awesome. Everybody is awesome, so there’s no reason to feel that way. So, stop it. If you need to, talk to somebody, who cares about you, about your low self-esteem. It helps. It really does.

I hate seeing people put themselves down constantly for no reason. Just be yourself, and fuck everybody else’s opinion. Except for the people you care about. Fuck them instead of their opinion. Their opinion will get jealous but it’s okay. Trust me. 

But, seriously, please stop. Everybody. It’s dumb and doesn’t accomplish anything. Thanks. 

Summer school is going good, I think. I’m doing more work there than I’ve done all year. Maybe it’s the severe lack of people in the school. Nice work environment. I like it. 

Developing a bucket list for a project in summer school. The assignment is rather silly, but I don’t have much grounds to reject it because I can’t come up with project ideas on my own. I guess it’ll be interesting to see what my ambitions are in life by writing them down. I don’t see how I’ll be able to come up with fifty sensible tasks, though. This is difficult. 

I know I shouldn’t be bothered by the affairs of others, especially so when it’s not my place to say anything, but this makes my heart heavy with sadness. Losing something comfortable is a great loss indeed. 

Ripped a patch skin off from my palm today during my school’s “field day” type deal while jumping through hula hoops. It’s not really a big deal, but it hurts some and keeps getting in the way while I’m trying to do things. Injuries are dumb.

I don’t cry very often anymore, but seeing my peers on stage like that… Tears came twice during the graduation ceremony. Though, there will be more tears this time next year, because I’m going to be on that stage with my class, and nobody’s going to stop me. I don’t care how far behind I am, I’ll make it somehow. 

Took an bath at eleven tonight. Felt good to be able to relax, where as taking baths in the morning is a sleepy struggle in the tub. Brushed my hair, and kinda straightened it. Though, I have no idea what I’m doing, so it’s not super straight, but it’s much better than my natural frizzy waviness. I feel good about myself tonight. Last academic day of school tomorrow, so that’s nice. 

I really need to use my Tumblr more often. I forgot how nice it is to talk to everybody yet nobody at once.  

Most of my unhappiness probably stems from my inability to complete basic tasks. Specifically, doing my god damn homework. Or even work during school, for that matter. Like, shit. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve been like this my entire life. Starting things is hard enough, but finishing them? Nope. Why can’t I be an anti-social person that works all day? I’d rather take that then have my temporary happiness. I could only slack off in life for so long, and that time is just about up. I don’t know what I’m going to. I’m scared. 

It’s hard to, like, do things in general when you don’t have a reason to do them anymore. It’s a lot easier to better yourself when you do so for somebody. 

Also, I actually drew something for once in… a long time. It was a star cycle thing for school. Not much, but I might upload it later. Not sure. It felt good to get a pen to tablet again, though. 

I keep worrying myself if I’m worth others’ time. But, really, they’re not worth mine. 

I have nothing to post about anymore… I’m sorry, followers, for being such a bad Tumblrer. Most of my posts of late have been whine-fests. Perhaps I’ll start drawing again. That seems to have been popular-ish. 

On another note, I usually only browse Tumblr now for a few minutes at a time. Most of which is just porn. I feel like I should un-follow the many porn blogs I follow, because I want to see more funny stuff…but porn is quite enjoyable. We’ll see.

Oh, dear, this appears to be more whining. It seems I’m pretty good at that. Hm.

My desktop computer was broken, and I was freaking out for a week, but then my friend took it home for a night and found the problem. It works as perfect as ever now~ Dota 2 time all the time now. 

In the past six months, I’ve felt so separated from everybody. People who I thought were close to me, I cannot call friends anymore. People getting closer to others, leaving me alone while I have nobody to get close to. I thought I would avoid the usual high school bullshit by not doing drugs or being similar to what most high school students are nowadays. But, even with playing it safe, it found its way to me eventually. I just gotta keep telling myself that things will get better… but when will they?

Why must everybody judge others the way they do? Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one not driven by some hate-filled blind fury. 

The Notebook and The Butterfly Effect are two movies that have made me think hard about my life. It hurts to do so, but it tends to help in the end. 

Dota 2 is hard! D:

I wish I could get the hang of this damn game. ><

I’m in Fairbanks, Alaska for my robotics competition. This is so totally fuckin’ rad. 

I’ve followed, like, sixty new blogs this week. 

WELP, THERE GOES MY LIFE.

EDIT: In the past several hours, I’ve followed forty more. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Whee. I’m seventeen now. Celebrating by watching Future Diary? I’m fine with that.

I worked up such a sweat from shoveling. All of the snow from the past few days was so heavy. ;-;

Even Tumblr has a hard time making me happy nowadays. WHY CAN’T I BE PLEASED? OTL

It’s hard to not be living in the world that used to be. The world where I could live my life carefree. But, one quick event after another, and everything changed. I wish that this could all end. I was barely sane before, but now my mind is deteriorating, changing me into somebody I don’t want to be. Help…

Stuffy noses are the worst. I love you, Alaska, but your dryness makes me oh so sick.

Man oh man, I love porn. 

On a side note, my robotics team and I qualified for the state competition, so that’s pretty cool.  

Two things: 

Played through Hanako’s story in Katawa Shoujo. Why can’t she be real? Why? I don’t care about your burn scars. You’re beautiful. I don’t want to play through the stories of the other girls because I feel like I’d be cheating on Hanako. ;-;

Also… I don’t know if you’d be reading this. Hell, you have no reason to. But, I can’t go on like this. Especially after playing KS, I know that I can’t leave things unresolved. Breaking up with me, it was one-sided like always. I can’t move on like that, and neither can you. Though you refuse to make contact with me, I know that you feel the same way as me. This needs to end, together. 

I’m following a hundred blogs now. Whee.

Home is when I’m alone with you.

The movie Take Me Home Tonight is entertaining, though, I wanted to scream at the protagonist at times because of what he was doing.

An added bonus, nearly every single song in the movie were favorite songs of mine. 

My life is just one bothersome event after another. What a bother. 

It felt amazing to perform today. I was practically hyperventilating before I went on-stage, but that went away while I rocked out. Code monkey like you~

A wise friend of mine said that love is when you are willing to do anything for that person. I know I’m in love… I’d run for hours just to get to her house. Though, if the cold didn’t kill me, she would shoot me dead on her doorstep for traveling that far.